Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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