Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
