and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize