I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
