I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Oh god it's open bar.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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