I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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