there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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