I am spending my child support on dildos
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
