my room smells like sperm. sweet.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
he fucked my hip out of place.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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