thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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