its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I will be naked everywhere
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
