Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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