I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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