the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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