I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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