***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
