I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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