I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize