don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Randomize
