my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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