I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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