Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
you didnt know i had herpes?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
