Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
