Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
