My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
