Your face is a jimmy john
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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