I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
