Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
