he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
