My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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