do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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