went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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