drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
