well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Actions speak louder than pants.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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