i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
