Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
