dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
