girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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