The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
A+ Viking dick
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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