I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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