the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
