i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
