Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize