The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
