eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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