Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
