Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize