I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
