Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
