The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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