Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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