Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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