it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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