Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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