My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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