Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
