can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
