dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
