My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
