I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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