Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
