How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
