Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
