What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
