Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
i drank out of a bidet.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
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