i wish peter jackson would direct porn
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
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