Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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