My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
People with herpes should wear stickers.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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